Taking Responsibility for Giving Feedback

I had my job review recently. Paul Austin, our Senior Warden, recruited a team of people from St. Ambrose who could give me feedback about myself and how I do my job. This was different from previous years, when a few people on my evaluation committee went around getting “anonymous feedback” from various people in the church and then reported to me what had been said. I made it clear to Paul that I didn’t want any anonymous feedback this year. I wanted to be able to sit around a table with the people who were giving me feedback. We did exactly that; there was a lot of honesty in both directions, and it was very helpful.

It’s difficult to describe what a blessing it is to receive feedback in this direct way, but I will try to describe why it is such a huge blessing. In my 18+ years a a priest, I have had countless instances of someone coming up to me and saying “people are saying…”, “lots of people didn’t like it when you…”, etc. My tendency over the years has been to listen, to teach (sometimes until I am blue in the face) about how triangulation is never a healthy dynamic, to say “which people?”, and often to scramble around trying to set up procedures and processes by which people can be encouraged to give direct feedback. (This scrambling can have very mixed results if those who have a comment, suggestion, question or complaint won’t come to a forum, for example, and speak up.) Dealing with this kind of third party reporting basically feels like one is fighting with ghosts. Not only that, it takes a huge amount of emotional energy, and is definitely the worst part of my job. So… when someone comes to speak to me directly, about whatever is on his or her mind, I almost want to shower that person with hugs and kisses. Truly, one of you could sit down with me and tell me I am the worst priest you’ve ever come across in your entire lifetime of being around priests, and a huge part of me would be smiling inside thinking, “This is great! I am getting direct feedback!”, and I would do my best to listen so that I could learn what is that I could do more effectively. That is the huge blessing of direct feedback – no chasing after ghosts. Instead, I am talking to the person who actually has the opinion. There is also the huge blessing that comes with being authentic with each other – no hemming and hawing, no guessing if we are telling each other the full story… just having a real conversation. In my experience, that is how friendships deepen.

I was reading a passage from John today, and it struck me in a new way. The setting is right before Jesus’ arrest, and he is sharing “last words” with his disciples. At one point, he says this: “I do not call you servants any longer, because the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from my Father.” (John 15:15, emphasis mine)

Here’s the insight: Friends reveal to their friends everything that they hear God telling them to say. They don’t hold it within. They don’t say it to someone else – a third party. If it is intended to be spoken to that friend, they say it to that friend.

That’s the kind of community that I want us to be. Whatever is going on for you or for me – crisis, joy, a problem that we have with something one of us said or did – my goal is for us to get to that place where, as a community, we can speak directly and honestly about what is going on for us. We can reveal, be vulnerable, be authentic, and “make known” to each other the things that come up between us, that most need to be spoken. Ultimately, this kind of giving and receiving feedback – when done in love – will make us a stronger, more alive, more vibrant community.

Here’s a key point: It will never happen unless every last one of us takes responsibility for giving this kind of direct, honest feedback. To be a part of a community involves stepping into responsibility in this and other ways. I’m wondering if we can all make this commitment – to not be passive or indirect or passive-aggressive, but instead, make an ongoing commitment to speak to the person we need to speak to, to give the feedback that God is leading us to give. This is how we become friends, not distant cousins, and not participants in some kind of hierarchical “Father knows best” system.

Yes, it can be scary to give this kind of feedback. But I can tell you that it gets easier as we practice (like all things in life). One learns that fear is not a destination, that one can take a deep breath, call on God for strength and wisdom, and move past the initial feelings of fear. And if you are looking for a place to practice, so that you can get better at it in your life, I invite you to practice on me. Don’t worry (in case you were tempted to) about how I will handle the feedback. I am 52 years old. I have been around the block a few times. At this point in my life, I am much more interested in receiving the feedback than I am in how the feedback is delivered. Deliver it in a crummy way, but – please – deliver it. Trust me, I will be thankful! Just be your own messenger. Take responsibility for your part in this community, for the unique person that you are, for the unique insights that you have, and remember that no one else can offer what you offer.

If we can all show up and act from a place of creative responsibility, before we know it we will discover that our friendships have gotten even closer, and folks will be saying, “What’s happening over there at St. Ambrose? That’s a different kind of place over there.” And you and I will respond, “Exactly. Ain’t it great?”